Am I a Bad Mom?
I was fortunate to stay home with Jayla for the better part of a year and it was wonderful! We bonded incredibly and it was great to have that time being a new mom to just focus on getting to know my daughter. I had her, her emotions and behavior cues understood by 3 months and down pat by 6. I'm being a little generous as to not brag about my new mommy skills, but who am I kidding? I was bomb!
Because it was just me (Hubby was working), Jayla went everywhere with me with no problem at all. When I had things to do, she had to come with. I ran errands with her in tow, had meetings and brought her along and she even came along for dinner plans. We were a bit inseparable and I was okay with that. But despite the bond I was continuously growing with my daughter, I realized that if I took too much time off from pursuing my education, I might never want to go back. School was something that was very important to me and something that I needed to accomplish for myself. When I previously thought about my motherhood, I was never the one that wanted to be home with just my kids. I remembered that I needed a life of my own aside from my motherly duties. So when Jayla was 9 months old, I decided it was time to enroll back in school and complete my bachelors degree.
Now, she is 17 months old and I feel like I have so much on my plate. I often feel like she isn't getting the attention she needs or deserves from me. Ugh, it seems like the more I progress in school, the more work teachers pile on me. Aside from my heavy school load, I have internship credits that I'm fulfilling throughout the week, a part-time job at school in order to make a little extra money, and two volunteer programs that I have to do things for. I also have to worry about doing my part on this blog (but it's dope so...). As you can see, I have little free time to work with. Sometimes I feel so bad passing Jayla to my grandmother just so I can peacefully read a chapter in a textbook or write one of my many papers. She has spent so much time with Daddy that he kind of became her new favorite person. It doesn't help that people always say, "Little girls go with their daddy's," or "They're supposed to be daddy's girls."
I couldn't help but think, "AM I A BAD MOM?"
I love Jayla with all my heart, but I know in the end finishing school will be the best for my whole family. Not to mention the sense of accomplishment I will feel. Am I a bad mother because I want to pursue my goals? After I get out of my emotional states, I say, "No, I'm not." Look, us moms need to do things for ourselves sometimes too. It doesn't mean you love your children any less. In fact, some things you do for yourself are because you love your children. Aside from school and work, just about everything I do includes Jayla. School and work could include her too if she knew how to read and could write a paper real quick. My daughter still gets time with mommy, even if I have a very full plate. Jayla is a spoiled rotten princess who knows mommy loves her. I can tell by the look in her eyes when I come home and how she runs to me, unless she's watching Sesame Street, then she isn't running to anybody ;)
Since I'm not taking any summer classes this year, ALL my time will be dedicated to my princess. I have a ton of things planned and can't wait to share them with you! I know if she understood what plans were, she would be so excited too!
Has there been a time when you felt like a bad mom? Or that you just weren't doing enough? I'm pretty sure that we all go through it. Let me know in the comments below and we can work through it together!